Okay, I admit it. Even though I am a Law of Attraction Parenting Expert, I still sometimes fall into the trap of criticizing my kids when I know they’ve got a low grade simply because they forgot to turn in work. But criticizing rarely, if ever is effective. But I catch myself pretty quickly now after years of experience.
Here is a section from “Celebrate Your Child: The Art of Happy Parenting” and it’s by Richard Carlson, Ph.D. Richard is probably best known for his book: Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff…and it’s all Small Stuff.
“You might confuse a lack of criticism with a lack of loving guidance, that criticism is the only way to show your children to the correct path. But criticism is only one form of guidance, negative guidance based on a deficiency model of living. In a sense, the criticism model of guidance says: Tell your child enough that he isn’t good enough and he will come around to the “right way.”
Loving guidance is quite different. It is based on a model of growth. Guidance is based on the premise that your child is perfect just the way he is – right now. If he didn’t change one inch, if he never learned to crawl, or to walk, or to read, or to do his math problems, it shouldn’t matter to you. Of course, you want these things for your child but you mustn’t require them in exchange for your love. You would love him just as much-forever-if he never changed one bit.
The guidance model goes on to say: Given the fact that your child is perfect-and he knows in his heart that he is perfect and also knows that you feel he is perfect-go ahead and encourage him to improve himself, to be the very best that he can. The guidance model works well in parenting, because children love to learn and excel when they don’t feel pressured, when they feel that it’s okay to be a beginner and to make mistakes.
People who don’t feel good about themselves, or who don’t feel as though it’s okay to make mistakes, feel threatened when they think about improving. So, if you say to your child who doesn’t feel very good about himself, “You don’t work very hard on your math, it’s no wonder you do so poorly,” you are reinforcing an already negative self-outlook. A likely response is going to be “Who cares anyway?”
Children who are approached with guidance instead of criticism feel they have nothing to lose when you offer a suggestion. A parent who says, “I know you have it in you to do well in math and I have confidence that you can do it. Let’s see if we can work together to improve your skills,” is instilling a vote of confidence into their child’s mind. With self-assurance, children can do just about anything.”
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you, this article has been very poignant to me.
Namaste,
Leighton.
Great article. Thank you!
Great article. Finding the right words at the right time has got to be the bedrock of good parenting. I like the simplification into guidance versus criticism. Thanks.
Thank you for your comments. Keep ‘em coming! I love Richard Carlson’s little book!
I like the article and I appreciate the distinction. I am one of those who probably do both. Criticize and guide. Probably a lot of contraction there. I will try to hold on to the distinction and do more guidance. The criticisms mostly come out of frustration which is more my problem than my child’s. But I need to mention that my sense of logic somehow has a problem with the idea of a perfect child being encouraged to improve. This disturbs me only when I read his arguments, but I accept that he is making a valid and valuable distinction and am grateful for the heads-up.